Top tips for staying calm

Disagreements and arguments can leave you feeling overwhelmed and helpless, impacting your children as well.

To regain a sense of control and better handle these situations, try to stay calm and take proactive steps.

For general relationship support, visit Relate - The Relationship People

You can also access free support for families through the Wandsworth L.I.N.K.S Parenting Programmes or through Empowering Parents Empowering Communities.

Back to Reducing Parental Conflict

1. Try breathing exercises

Pause what you're doing and try some breathing exercises. They don't require much time and can help you calm down:

Start with just five minutes a day in a non-stressful situation, gradually increasing the duration as it becomes easier and more comfortable.

Try this Breathing Exercise

This calming technique for stress, anxiety, and panic takes only a few minutes and can be done anywhere. Regular practice as part of your daily routine provides the most benefit. You can do it standing, sitting in a chair with back support, or lying on a bed or yoga mat. Make yourself as comfortable as possible, loosen any restrictive clothing, and relax your neck and shoulders.

1. Breathe deeply into your belly without forcing it.

2. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.

3. Breathe gently and regularly. Count steadily from one to five as you inhale. You may not reach five at first.

4. Without pausing or holding your breath, exhale gently, counting from one to five again if helpful.

5. Continue for three to five minutes.

For more information, see NHS: Breathing Exercises for Stress

2. Try to Calm Down

• Pause what you're doing. If you're feeling stressed, it's best to stop arguing with your partner. Sometimes, even a brief pause can help you calm down before re-engaging.
• Before responding in a heated conversation, try counting to ten or taking a short break. If an argument is escalating, excuse yourself by saying something like, "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I need to take a break before we continue." Find a different space or another room to calm down.

3. Use your support system

Don't hesitate to seek help and advice. If you have trustworthy friends or loved ones, reach out to them for support. Let them know you need assistance and want to talk.

For additional resources, see Support for Parents | NSPCC.

4. Taking care of yourself

Engage in some physical activity, like going for a walk, to clear your mind and reduce stress. Even a ten-minute walk or dancing can help alleviate tension and stress.

For more tips, see Mind: How to Improve Your Mental Wellbeing.

5. Use your support network

Don't hesitate to seek help and advice. If you have trustworthy friends or loved ones, reach out to them for support. Let them know you need assistance and want to talk.

For additional resources, see www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents

6. Work it out

When family life is harmonious, children flourish, and if parents maintain a good relationship, it's beneficial for the children. Developing healthier ways to manage conflict and communicating positively helps children feel more secure. As a result, they are likely to be happier, healthier, and perform better in school. Children who observe adults resolving relationship issues constructively are more likely to emulate this behaviour, leading to better relationships and a more enjoyable life.

7. Listen

• Listen to each other. If you feel like you're constantly at odds, you may have forgotten how to engage in positive conversation.
• Choose a calm moment
• Understanding your partner's perspective is crucial for resolving disagreements – for both of you
• Listen Without Assumptions’: Truly listen to your partner instead of making assumptions about their thoughts and feelings.
• Begin the conversation positively. Avoid sarcasm or criticism.
• Consider how your actions impact your children and discuss what changes you can make.
• Also listen to your child / children. It's not as easy as it sounds. You might hear things you don't want to, such as your child expressing unhappiness. You might hear something that prompts you to make changes. To truly communicate with someone, you have to listen. Careful listening allows you to:

Gather information about what's happening in your child's life and mind.

Take the first step in solving problems, learning what needs to change.

Understand how arguing affects your child, as children are perceptive and often aware of its impact; you just need to listen.

8. Try using “I” statements

• This approach can assist you in formulating a plan and expressing both your feelings and the changes needed.

• "I feel" = name the emotion; upset, annoyed, sad, etc.

• "I need" = state the desired behaviour, such as "I need you to listen to me and not shout."

• "When" = describe the behaviour or situation, e.g., when you shout at me.

9. Handling arguments

Arguments are a normal part of all kinds of relationships. In fact, some level of conflict can be healthy, as it indicates both individuals are expressing themselves rather than suppressing their emotions, which can lead to negativity. However, if arguments are constant, or if minor disagreements escalate into hostile silences or screaming matches, it can seriously impact children and even cause you to question whether to stay together.

Here are some top tips for handling disagreements more effectively:

• Timing: Choose a time to discuss issues when both partners are receptive and not tired.
• Approach: Start the conversation gently, avoiding negative or hostile comments.
• Try not to make Personal Attacks: Focus on specific behaviours rather than attacking your partner's character. Choose your words carefully.
• Address Issues Promptly: Deal with problems as they arise instead of letting them fester.
• Be sensitivity: Be aware of each other's sensitivities and avoid pushing those buttons.
• Underlying Issues: Recognize that arguments may be symptoms of other stresses or deeper issues. Make allowances for these factors.
• Resolution Mindset: Approach disagreements as opportunities to find solutions, not as battles to be won. Take turns speaking and be willing to compromise.
• Tact: Learn how to de-escalate tensions. Use humour, acknowledge your partner's perspective, and apologize if they are upset.
• Accepting Perpetual Problems: Understand that some issues may be too difficult to resolve. Instead, focus on accepting these problems, using humour and affection to maintain harmony.